Do you know the muffin man,
the muffin man, the muffin man?
Do you know the muffin man,
who lives on Drury Lane?
Another day, another nursery rhyme ruined forever – Before Jack the Ripper there was an alleged serial killer on Drury Lane nicknamed The Drury Lane Dicer/The Muffin Man in the late 15th century.
He is believed to have killed over 22 people. 15 children by luring them with muffins on a string, and 7 rival pastry chefs.
The Muffin Man was the first known serial killer in England. His name was Frederic Thomas Lynwood, and he was born in 1563 and died in 1612.
Between 1589 and 1598, Frederic Thomas Linwood also known as the infamous Muffin Man was reportedly living on Drury Lane. The story goes that Linwood killed as many as 15 children by luring them into dark alleys with a muffin tied on a string. He was also said to have killed 7 rival pastry chefs with a sharpened wooden spoon. Whilst it’s accepted that the origins of the muffin man story are now most likely an urban myth, who doesn’t love a good old 16th-century British horror story?
Several years later, with dementia setting in, Frederic would set up shop again, though this time he would encounter even more anger for such pastries as “glazed pagan”, “arsenic apple crisp”, and “the flaming friar”. However, he was able to stay in business with these pastries until his death several years later.
The Murders
Children would often frequent Frederic’s shop and he would be driven crazy because of it. Kids chock full of the sugar and steroids in the pastries he made ran around his shop for hours on end until they needed to go to bed. To stop the flow of child murder would be his choice in the fashion described in several paragraphs above. However, as stated knocking a child out with a Wooden Spoon does not equate to murder in most people’s minds, really. The children were still scared shitless and didn’t frequent his shop anymore.
However, Frederic was also jealous of other chefs in town. In total he killed seven rival pastry chefs:
- Chef Randall: Drowned in brownie batter
- Chef William: Brain beaten to death
- Chef Carver: Too much “BAM!” with a matchlock
- Chef George: Flattened with pin
- Chef David: Cooked to a golden brown
- Chef Aaron: Shaked and Baked
- Chef Adam: Killed with a Mortar after tripping over a Pestle
Incarceration
Frederic was eventually caught after a sneaking suspicion of foul play by the British police after the death of Chef Adam. He was arrested after a high-speed carriage chase as a result of one of his wheels breaking after running over a small stone on the dirt road. By orders of the King, he was given a slightly painful slap on the wrist, and then he was set free, only to be pummeled by an angry mob several minutes later.
Death
Several years after being pummeled by an angry mob, Frederic would be eating his dinner, when he decides to smash a cockroach with his fork, only to hit his hand, causing him to scream and choke on a dumpling. Frederic’s neighbor attempted to resuscitate him using leeches, but it was too late, he was already dead for several hours. His mother held a funeral service for him two days later.
Post Mortem
Frederic was buried face down in a log under a former British church, which in 1987 was torn down to make way for a Mcdonald’s. The Mcdonald’s would later go out of business after an incident involving an Egg McMuffin. The franchise would be replaced by a department store, which would be mysteriously burnt down after the construction of a cookie shop. Currently, the area where Frederic is buried has returned to an undeveloped lot, but it is expected to be the site of a stadium for the 2014 world cup should the UK be able to host it. However, rumour has it he has risen again as a zombie and created a terrorist organisation known as GBM which he will use to wreak his revenge.
Hansel and Gretel was inspired by Frederic after a terrible rumour gone awry after several decades of deformation
The Song
The song Do You Know the Muffin Man? was used as a warning to small children of the presence of the killer during his life of crime, and to help identify his modus operandi so that children can report him to the authorities. Here is a version of the song annotated in order to help you interpret the lyrics in the way originally intended by concerned parents centuries ago. Note: This interpretation was based on the theories of Doctor Isaac Lynwood, a descendant of Frederic, rather than actual letters between parents detailing the interpretation of the song. It is generally accepted to be the actual meaning of the song.
| “ | Do you know the muffin man/The muffin man/the muffin man? | ” |
YOU WILL DIE. HE WILL EAT YOUR SPLEEN WITH HIS TENDON.
| “ | He lives on Drury lane. | ” |
RUN AWAY, CHILDREN! RUN AWAY FROM THE PAIN!
Trivia
- The muffin man was the subject of the movie Drury Lane Dicer, featuring Tom Cruise as Frederic Lynwood.
- He was referenced once and visited once in the Shrek trilogy, though there is no evidence he had a French accent, nor is there evidence that he had the mental capacity to create a giant Gingerbread man.
- The Gingerbread Man’s reference to the muffin man is a reference to an imaginary friend Lynwood had as a child, though it was not a gingerbread man but rather a gumdrop button.
- It is likely that Reke the Talking Muffin is a direct descendant of the Muffin Man, due to a three-way affair involving vodka, a spoon, and a blueberry muffin.
- Frank Zappa would later use Jebidiah’s kitchen as a recording studio. Several years later he would die of prostate cancer.
- Starbucks plans to release the Glazed Pagan pastry in honor of the muffin man
- The Muffin man had several kids, though he retained custody of none of them after a divorce with his wife “Chippy”, the neighbor’s goat.
- Jack the Ripper was also suspected of being a pastry chef
- Frederic, for one, cares less for cupcakes!
This is very cool to know about. I always thought it was based off of a murder. I hated it when my teacher made us do a readers theader for school in third grade. She made us do it on this too.
So many nursery rhymes were based in fact, it’s a very interesting rabbithole to go down.
I gotta ask the one important question, as I’ve just come across this and am running in circles on it: Sources. I’ve not found much, if any, that aren’t just urban legend stuff.
It’s hard to say, but what we do know is that Frederic Thomas Lynwood was active in the 16th century but the nursery rhyme wasn’t penned until 1820. That’s a huge time span to carry the details of a crime to then turn into a nursery rhyme. In my opinion, it’s a bit of a reach, but it does make for an interesting interpretation.